As many of you already know I am plagued by chronic insomnia and last night was no exception. It seems to have gotten worse since my husband has been gone. Sometimes I get caught up in my own little life that I forget that their is an entire world that is spinning out of control around me.
In the lamplight filtering in through the blinds I could see the cold side of the bed. It mocks me. A constant reminder that it is an empty cold space. It is still made the way he left it the beige pillow on the bottom, the brown pillow in the middle, the decorator pillow in the top. Neat. Cold. Waiting.
I keep it that way like a shrine. Waiting for him to come home. I stay on my side of the bed, not out of reverence, but out of fear. Fear of not feeling the warmth of him there. Fear of rolling over and NOT touching the smooth face and feeling his lips graze my inner wrist with the softest of kisses. Fear of the Cold.
I know that many of my friends are going through similar things right now. Many much more worse than I am experiencing at this time. Divorce, Death, Single, Deployment like me. Just know that you are not alone in staring and experiencing the cold side of the bed.
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Sleeping without a body next to you is no fun. When DH was gone for a long while, years ago, I bought a body pillow and put it on his side of the bed, my own body heat warmed it up and I would lean back against it, as if we were spooning. It took a bit, but after a bit, it was quite comforting and I could rest better. Now, I prefer to sleep alone. Go figure.
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Geri,
ReplyDeleteI know you speak for many who have experienced, for one reason or another, the cold side of the bed. We can relate to this on so many levels. Nice post... hope the bed is warmed again very soon.
Geri, my friend, I wish for you the warmth of your husband's body next to yours. So glad you have few more days with him before he is gone for a year. My prayers that he comes home for good to keep that bed not just warm but hot. As you can imagine, this post has left me crying me eyes out as the cold side of the bed is here for good for me. I miss David so much, I keep listening for his voice and I'm never going to hear it again.
ReplyDeleteKat, I didn't intend to make you cry, but my heart aches for you. I was crying the entire time I was writing this post. Feeling guilty for feeling the way I do, knowing that hopefully, my "cold side" will once again be warmed. I cannot pretend to imagine your pain, but know that you have friends that love you and that are here for you.
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