Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Cold Side of the Bed.

As many of you already know I am plagued by chronic insomnia and last night was no exception. It seems to have gotten worse since my husband has been gone. Sometimes I get caught up in my own little life that I forget that their is an entire world that is spinning out of control around me.

In the lamplight filtering in through the blinds I could see the cold side of the bed. It mocks me. A constant reminder that it is an empty cold space. It is still made the way he left it the beige pillow on the bottom, the brown pillow in the middle, the decorator pillow in the top. Neat. Cold. Waiting.

I keep it that way like a shrine. Waiting for him to come home. I stay on my side of the bed, not out of reverence, but out of fear. Fear of not feeling the warmth of him there. Fear of rolling over and NOT touching the smooth face and feeling his lips graze my inner wrist with the softest of kisses. Fear of the Cold.

I know that many of my friends are going through similar things right now. Many much more worse than I am experiencing at this time. Divorce, Death, Single, Deployment like me. Just know that you are not alone in staring and experiencing the cold side of the bed.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

An apology to my loyal readers....

I've been absent once again. This time I wasn't off wallowing in self pity although that does seem to be a favorite past time of mine that I am contemplating renewing. LOL. Hubby has come home for his 1st of 2 visits and during this visit I became really ill and ended up in the hospital for 3.5 days. I am now minus one gallbladder and several precious days with my husband that I will never get back, but at least he was home to care for our children. So now, it is just the physical mending that is taking place. Hopefully it will be a speedy recovery, so I can get back to work. I miss work and my work family. Hubby will be home again November 18th and will be flying out again November 21st.....It was so nice to see his face.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I must apologize yet again....

You don't know how many posts I have started and have not finished. I have become quite robotic in my day to day life. Work days are the same. I get up. Work. Come home. Take a bath. Talk to the kids about their days. Pray for it to get dark enough and late enough for me to go to bed, and when it does I do so. Off days have their own routine as well. Get the kids up for school from my bed. Go back to sleep. Wake up. Make coffee. Do what chores need doing. Wait for the kids to get home. Spend time with them, ask about their day, help with homework, go over the previous week's schoolwork. Take a bath. Pray for it to get dark enough and late enough for me to go to bed, and when it does I do so. I'm having good days and bad days. Today is a bad day. A really bad day for some reason, and I feel so guilty for feeling like I do. There are so many people that have it so much worse than I do, and I don't have the RIGHT to feel like I do.

With that being said, I WILL get over this hump. I will quit crying. I will quit bathing in self pity, self loathing, etc.... I WILL put on my big girl panties and get over it!

Friday, October 1, 2010

It's a Beautiful Day!!

Today is one of those days when you walk out the front door and you cannot help but sigh out loud. The sun is shining, there is a breeze blowing, and the temperature is perfect. Autumn is definitely in the air, and in spite of myself I just had to smile! I know I had an extra spring to my step.

Autumn is definitely my favorite season. Yes, it is the beginning of cooler weather, Winter, the season of things dying off. I don't see it as the beginning of the end though. I see it as the beginning of a NEW beginning. I love it! The smell of wood fires, dry leaves, and crisp clean air. I love the crunch of grass and leaves under my feet. I love wearing my wool socks, Birkenstocks, blue jeans, and a zip up hoodie and T-shirt. BRING IT ON!!!!