Much like an Edgar Allen Poe story my life is ticking away one heartbeat at a time. I can almost hear it. I wonder if most people can actually HEAR the life changes as they are coming up as acutely as I can, or if I that is just another of my idiosyncrasies. It isn't that I set out to obsess about certain things it just happens. Once I realize that I AM obsessing I try to STOP obsessing, but that just makes it more difficult, because then I am MORE aware of the obsession. It is truly a vicious cycle that I am not quite sure how to break. I am afraid that I am going to miss or forget something truly important and let someone down. I make lists. Then I check them. Recheck them. Recheck them. Recheck them, and then I check them again. Still, I worry that I have forgotten something important. I am used to obsessing, freaking out, making lists and checking them twice, three, four, a thousand times, but my behavior isn't healthy. I know this.
I drive people around me crazy. Mainly my family. Zac, do you have homework? I've done it momma. Let's go over it ok? So we go over it. Do you know your spelling words. Yes ma'am. Let's go over them ok? OK momma. So we go over them. Are you sure that is all? Yes ma'am. OK. Are YOU SURE? Yes Ma'am. Did you feed the Geckos? Yes ma'am. Clean their cage? Yes ma'am. Today? Yes ma'am. Did you give them enough to eat? Yes ma'am. You sure? Yes ma'am. Do you have your clothes ready for school? Yes ma'am. ..........2 hours later. Do you have your clothes ready for school? You already asked me that. Well, do you? Yes ma'am. Ok......
Same type of thing with Kendra. With a dozen more, "You already asked me thats."
I dunno. I just want to be a GREAT parent. I want them to excel. I want them to have what I didn't. I want to be the mother I didn't have. I want to be the father I didn't have. I want to be everything I didn't have. I want them to be successful. Not necessarily in a monetary way, but in life in general. I want them to wake up everyday EXCITED to go to their job. I want them to be HAPPY and well rounded. I want them to define themselves and to not be defined by things.
I don't want them to be like me.