Friday, September 3, 2010

Tick, tick, tick.....

Much like an Edgar Allen Poe story my life is ticking away one heartbeat at a time. I can almost hear it. I wonder if most people can actually HEAR the life changes as they are coming up as acutely as I can, or if I that is just another of my idiosyncrasies. It isn't that I set out to obsess about certain things it just happens. Once I realize that I AM obsessing I try to STOP obsessing, but that just makes it more difficult, because then I am MORE aware of the obsession. It is truly a vicious cycle that I am not quite sure how to break. I am afraid that I am going to miss or forget something truly important and let someone down. I make lists. Then I check them. Recheck them. Recheck them. Recheck them, and then I check them again. Still, I worry that I have forgotten something important. I am used to obsessing, freaking out, making lists and checking them twice, three, four, a thousand times, but my behavior isn't healthy. I know this.

I drive people around me crazy. Mainly my family. Zac, do you have homework? I've done it momma. Let's go over it ok? So we go over it. Do you know your spelling words. Yes ma'am. Let's go over them ok? OK momma. So we go over them. Are you sure that is all? Yes ma'am. OK. Are YOU SURE? Yes Ma'am. Did you feed the Geckos? Yes ma'am. Clean their cage? Yes ma'am. Today? Yes ma'am. Did you give them enough to eat? Yes ma'am. You sure? Yes ma'am. Do you have your clothes ready for school? Yes ma'am. ..........2 hours later. Do you have your clothes ready for school? You already asked me that. Well, do you? Yes ma'am. Ok......

Same type of thing with Kendra. With a dozen more, "You already asked me thats."

I dunno. I just want to be a GREAT parent. I want them to excel. I want them to have what I didn't. I want to be the mother I didn't have. I want to be the father I didn't have. I want to be everything I didn't have. I want them to be successful. Not necessarily in a monetary way, but in life in general. I want them to wake up everyday EXCITED to go to their job. I want them to be HAPPY and well rounded. I want them to define themselves and to not be defined by things.

I don't want them to be like me.


  1. You are just under a pot of pressure right now, just be as relaxed as you can be. I'm trying too. I know it isn't easy.

  2. You be the pot and I'll be the kettle. Or I'll be the pot and you be the kettle. Either way did you know today is "National Lazy Mom Day" where you are encouraged to be slacker parent for a day? I'm going to do my damndest.

  3. I try to relax Sharon, but it doesn't work too well for me most of the time. LOL

    LOL Brook. I'm so glad today is Friday. No homework to worry about! I just hope our hard work this week paid off for tests yesterday and today. Zac has so much homework during the week to be a little guy. It makes me sad. :(. I'm working all weekend though. Hopefully they will be able to have some fun this weekend with their dad!

  4. I'm glad you live far, far way from me! lol. Just kidding. We all want our kids to have more, be more, DO more than we ever did. Sometimes it's hard to step back and just let them BREATHE, be who they are, what they are, as they are and just accept them with all the love that's inside of us. I lubs ya Geri!