Say it isn't so....it isn't so....

I walked down the dirt lane looking down at my dusty bare feet. Aimlessly kicking a rain smoothed pebble. I noticed that my knees were skinned, and my left big toe had a scab from where I had stumped it riding my bicycle the day before. All in a day's work if you are 10. I meander down the lane that dead ends into a huge field of corn that my granddaddy has painstakingly nurtured all spring and summer. I mindlessly brush a stray strand of hair from my dirty face and continue my trek into the field of corn that is twice my height. It swallows me up like a green leafy monster consuming me, before I have a chance to consume it. Without thinking I run my hands down the shiny giant leaves and look up at the tall tassels that remind me of the worlds largest marching band. I pause and close my eyes listening to the gentle rustling of the leaves that seem to be whispering my name, beckoning to me, encouraging me. I breathe in air that I am quite sure has to be the purest on earth, and at that moment I KNOW that I am the luckiest person on the earth......at that moment I am gently shaken....."Mommy, you don't have to wake me up. I woke myself up." Yes, I was having the most wonderful dreams from my childhood. I did take a fleeting peek at my feet to check for dust, but at his moment I STILL know I am the luckiest person on the earth....

Tuesday Morning...

Not much on the radar today. I'm washing my comforter in my new washing machine. LOL. Now to see if my OLD dryer can handle actually DRYING it. This remains to be seen. I am loving this Georgia weather. I actually contemplated turning the heater on this morning to knock the chill out of the air, but I decided to just enjoy it instead. Looks like a Law and Order SVU Marathon is on the docket for today. \o/....back to work tomorrow....

Feathers in a whirlwind....

Made it through the first week. I don't know why it has seemed so long. He has been gone for longer periods of time. I guess it is the anticipation of what is to come. With every passing day, I feel myself getting stronger, and I feel like I am regaining my footing. I only hope he is feeling the same. When I talk to him on the phone I can tell he misses me and dislikes the uncertainty as much as I do, but what can we do? We have children to raise, bills to pay, and this is part of the course of life he has chosen. I chose him as a mate so consequently it is my choice as well. I will continue on my present course. Taking things truly one day at a time. (I hate that saying, but it fits)

This week kind of sucks, but I did it to myself. My schedule is literally work a day off a day until Sunday then it normalizes again. YAY! So until then, see ya on the flip side!

Untitled

Heart racing.
Cleaning.
Obsessing.
Pacing.
Faking.
Smiling.
Failing.

I survived #1.....

Well, hubby left yesterday on stage 1 of his training. He will be gone for 5 weeks then he will be home for 4 days. Then stage 2 starts, and he will be leaving for Ft. Bliss Texas for 5 weeks. After that 5 weeks is up he will be able to fly home for 4 days, and then he will have to fly back where he will be leaving for the Middle East for a year or as his orders say "up to 400 days."

Watching him leave was hard. No doubt it will not get any easier each subsequent time, but it is a necessary evil being an Army wife. He had on his "brave face," but I know he wasn't any happier about leaving than we were about him having to leave. I've got a few days off of work to get my $hit together and to make sure the kids are ok. I'm still not 100% sure it has all really hit me yet. It is a bit surreal.

I'm staying busy. Kitties are my new bed buds. Axl misses his daddy though. He slept in his spot last night, and he will probably continue to do so. After this week, I may try to pick up some baby shifts at work. I can always use the extra money. :) Who can't?

Looking Forward....Not Back!!

Big things on the horizon! The hubs leaves on Sunday. He will be at Ft. Stewart training for 5 weeks, then he will be home for 4 days. He will then leave for Ft. Bliss Texas for 5 more weeks, then he will be flying home for 4 days. He will then fly back to Ft. Bliss and fly to Qatar for a year. So for the next couple of months, our lives will be a whirlwind!

However.....the kids and I are not going to just sit at home and wait for Daddy to get back home. We plan on keeping ourselves busy! Kendra has a trip to Europe that is being planned through her Spanish three class. It will encompass Barcelona, London, and Paris! It is scheduled for March 30th of 2012, so we have a little time to plan, and she actually wants me to go! Yay! \O/ That makes me feel GREAT as a mom! It will be her Senior year, and I know that having that experience with her will be irreplaceable! I am so excited, and I can hardly wait! We have so much to do to get prepared though. I have a passport, but she doesn't. So we have to get that done, and of course we have to get the trip paid for.

Zac is always keeping me busy in one way or another, so I am hoping that the next year will fly by. His Dad is planning on doing something special with him and his older brother Vyren when he gets home since Kendra and I are taking our trip. Vyren also graduates in 2012.

I've never wished more for time to fly than I have now, but I hope it whizzes by so fast I don't know what hit me!

I've not written in a few days...

I've been more than a little under the weather. I've been a lot under the weather. I am better today, and I'm trying to feel a whole lot better, because Kendra has a ball game today and I have got to go back to work tomorrow. I love my job and co-workers, and I feel like double shit when I let them down. I've been back reading in my blog here, and I have had some giggles. The time for my husband to leave is going by very quickly. September 20th is the day. He will have 2 periods of "leave" before he actually goes over seas, but other than that, that is it. I hope everyone has a good day.

Tick, tick, tick.....

Much like an Edgar Allen Poe story my life is ticking away one heartbeat at a time. I can almost hear it. I wonder if most people can actually HEAR the life changes as they are coming up as acutely as I can, or if I that is just another of my idiosyncrasies. It isn't that I set out to obsess about certain things it just happens. Once I realize that I AM obsessing I try to STOP obsessing, but that just makes it more difficult, because then I am MORE aware of the obsession. It is truly a vicious cycle that I am not quite sure how to break. I am afraid that I am going to miss or forget something truly important and let someone down. I make lists. Then I check them. Recheck them. Recheck them. Recheck them, and then I check them again. Still, I worry that I have forgotten something important. I am used to obsessing, freaking out, making lists and checking them twice, three, four, a thousand times, but my behavior isn't healthy. I know this.

I drive people around me crazy. Mainly my family. Zac, do you have homework? I've done it momma. Let's go over it ok? So we go over it. Do you know your spelling words. Yes ma'am. Let's go over them ok? OK momma. So we go over them. Are you sure that is all? Yes ma'am. OK. Are YOU SURE? Yes Ma'am. Did you feed the Geckos? Yes ma'am. Clean their cage? Yes ma'am. Today? Yes ma'am. Did you give them enough to eat? Yes ma'am. You sure? Yes ma'am. Do you have your clothes ready for school? Yes ma'am. ..........2 hours later. Do you have your clothes ready for school? You already asked me that. Well, do you? Yes ma'am. Ok......

Same type of thing with Kendra. With a dozen more, "You already asked me thats."

I dunno. I just want to be a GREAT parent. I want them to excel. I want them to have what I didn't. I want to be the mother I didn't have. I want to be the father I didn't have. I want to be everything I didn't have. I want them to be successful. Not necessarily in a monetary way, but in life in general. I want them to wake up everyday EXCITED to go to their job. I want them to be HAPPY and well rounded. I want them to define themselves and to not be defined by things.

I don't want them to be like me.

Today is one of those days....

I don't know what it is. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I feel a bit guilty for it. There are many people that are having bigger shitstorms than mine, but it is still my shitstorm. I am trying to hold it together work, children, and household all while my husband is getting ready to leave for a year. T minus 18 days and counting give or take 7 days or so in between.

Not wanting a pity party. Just venting a bit. :)