Riding the swings....

...isn't fun to me. No, I'm not talking about a ride at Six Flags, I'm talking about the swingage of my moodage. LOL, coining new terms here. Yes, I blog when I'm up, and I blog when I'm down. Thankfully, the ups far outweigh the downs. I maintain, because I HAVE to. I refuse to let my "Mood Disorder" "Bi-Polar", blah, blah, blah, call it what you want beat me. I blog, because it makes me feel better. Self imposed therapy if you will. If something that I blog helps someone in the process then YAY! If it helps someone feel a bit less alone then YAY! I don't blog for pity, because those of you that know me know that is the LAST damn thing I want. I want to be NORMAL or as close as I can get. I happen to love my quirky, OCD, neurotic self. So, if you see me taking a ride on the swings, don't worry eventually the ride will stop....

Cats Gone Wild!

...I managed to sleep in this morning which was a welcomed change. Sat down to pay bills for the month. It is my "first of the month" routine. I don't usually mind it. It is my time. Quiet time. I can reflect and be happy that I have enough money to actually cover all of the bills which is VERY nice. Unfortunately the cats have other ideas this morning. They have both stuck their heads in my glass of milk, and are tearing through the house like they are being chased by the most horrible monsters that have ever existed. They are running across the computer keyboard, so I'm having to double and triple check the amounts I am sending to my creditors. LOL I'm in better spirits today. I'm being eyed by the cats again....must be time for the second attack....

It is really hard...

...to unfurl from the fetal position. I didn't want to, but I had to. Children are a powerful motivator, but other than that I would still be in my warm comfy bed. It is getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning, but life must go on no matter how mundane and useless is may seem. I get up, see the kids off to school, on work days, I go to work, do my 12 hours, come home, take a hot bath, and PRAY for a decent hour to hurry up and get here, so I can go to bed. My existence is just that an existence. Autopilot has taken over. Elvis has left the building. Lemme know if you find him. I want him back.

I was just wondering....

....when my life became a dictatorship instead of a democracy. The last time I heard the words and I quote, "No chance. This is my final answer." I think I was maybe 13 or 14, and DEFINITELY didn't contribute to a household by working my natural born ASS off. So, yeah, I'm just a TAD pissed, and I'm not quite sure WHEN or IF I will get over it. I'm pretty sure I won't. I don't do well with being told what I can and cannot do especially in a home where I contribute MORE than my 50%. I'm angry, humiliated, and debased as a partner. I feel like I'm less than nothing.

Unfit...

...wife, mother, co-worker, friend. You name it. I'm unfit. My moods are mercurial at best. Apparently I cannot articulate my needs, desires, or opinions in a manner that can be understood by anyone. I may as well speak a foreign language. I may as well not speak at all. I think that is best. That way, no one gets hurt.

It is official....

....I have lost my damn mind! Ok, so Kendra was driving us back from Petsmart and I was riding shotgun. I was just sitting there playing with my Blackberry not paying much attention when she suddenly stops and screams, "Get it out of the road momma, get it out of the road!!" SOOOO, without thinking, I FLY out of the car, lost a flip-flop, and there is a LINE of people behind us and in between our car, me, and the LINE of cars is a TURTLE!!! So, me and my one flip-flop wearing self quickly removes the turtle to the side of the road, limps back to the car and off we go....Needless to say, I will pay closer attention next time.....maybe......

*sighs...

....I rarely make more than one post in a day, but as you can see today is the exception. I'm sitting here at home, Zac, me and the cats. Kendra is off to a friend's house. The other half is gone...again...what else is new, right? I text him, "What are you doing?" He texts back "Rough" Well, at least someone is getting some right? LOL, Is that an appropriate answer to my question? Absolutely NOT. Oh well, no different from most of the answers that I get from him at home. All answers translate into, "Your question isn't important enough for me to pay attention to, so I will just throw out an arbitrary answer." *sighs....Does the end justify the means or is it vice versa? I have no clue. Let me just throw an answer out there for you..."Nilla wafers" Makes just about as much sense doesn't it....Damn I need a vacation from myself.

Awake and Drinking Coffee

It is Saturday Morning and the house is quiet. At least it is on the inside. I am up so early, because it is storming like crazy here. Thunder Lightning and the cats throwing themselves against my bedroom door. They aren't thrilled with storms. Me? I love them. So up I get. I start the coffee pot and fire up the old lap top. NICE, there is a "Law and Order" marathon on TNT. I've seen them all before, but it doesn't really matter. It is the solitude. I love it. I'm now sipping coffee. Axl is asleep on the sofa back behind me, and Lily is asleep on the cushion beside me THANK GOD. She is in heat again and when she is awake it is a caterwalling nightmare. Thank goodness it doesn't last too long. A couple of days at the most, so once again we are riding out the storm. I really need to get her spayed, but finding the time and parting with the money is difficult for me to do.

So, here I sit. My husband is out of town again. What else is new? He is gone more than he is home, and when he is home, he isn't really here. I know that probably makes sense only to me, but if it makes sense to anyone else out there, just know you are not alone. I thank the lord everyday for my children and my friends, because even when they aren't here they are. :) So, I do consider myself lucky on that front. At least I have people that love me.

Sorry there is nothing particularly witty or funny in this post. Just my feelings this morning on this rainy Saturday. I love followers, and I love comments. Please feel free to leave them. No repercussions and I love a good debate. Anyone that knows me knows that! LOL, I even respond to the Chinese spammers that I have no idea what they are saying.

So, have a GREAT day. Hopefully something awesome will happen today, and you know I will post it! Lovin' Life as Fucked as it is!!!

Something to consider...

I'm not quite sure, but I think I have too much time on my hands sometimes and think WAY too much about well, just things. I wonder about the lines on my forehead. Are they there because I frown constantly? Are they there because I squint to see? I'm not sure why they are there. If I relax my forehead, my eyes close. Obviously I can't go around with my eyes closed, so am I doomed to have permanent forehead wrinkles? When I am my upbeat and happy self I am considered to be too "in your face." Yet, when I attempt to tone myself down, reeeeeeeeeeel myself in, I am inundated by people asking me, "What's wrong?" "Are you sick?" "Who died?"

Don't cuss so much Geri. Don't talk so loudly Geri. Do you think you can be a bit more diplomatic Geri? Geri, why don't you buy new scrubs? Don't you want to look cute at work?

OK, here is the deal. I am loud and boisterous. I love to have a good time. If cussing is the worst thing I ever do then I think I will be ok. I like my forehead wrinkles and my gray hair. I have great brown eyes and a nice smile. So what if I don't slather my face in makeup. I don't care if I am "cute" at work. I am not there to pick up men or win a pageant. I am always clean and I smell nice. I am fiercely loyal to my friends. I like my steak red and my companions funny.

Me in a nutshell. Take it or leave it.

Life is a series of choices...

Some good, some bad, some indifferent. Do you find what you seek? What does it take to bring true happiness? Do you cross lines? Do you draw lines to cross? Is complete honesty the BEST policy? Just giving you a bit to think about this morning. There are no right or wrong answers here. I would LOVE to see more comments!

Interesting....

....SOOOO, my husband is taking Abnormal Psychology this semester, and I'm a bit nervous. So TODAY he has gone over Anxiety and Mood disorders and now he has moved on to Obsessive Compulsive Disorders...I'm getting sideways glances and solicitations for advice which I don't normally get...scary huh? LOL He is typing an awful lot too. Maybe he will get an "A" this time, because of "On the job experience." Who knows? LOL

Scratch and Sniff??? FFS!!!

In my bizarre little world I find my self doing bizarre little things. I don't particularly know why, but today this just struck me as pretty much one of the funniest things I do. I see an unfamiliar spot. I sniff it. Weird I know, but I can't help it. If I can't smell anything when I sniff it, I scratch it, then I sniff it again. So far, I've gotten peanut butter, grape jelly, a tad of soy sauce and something vaguely familiar yet unrecognizable...I think this is a compulsion I need to break...and soon...I see it ending badly...LOL Just thought I would share.

Things I Miss From My Childhood...

My Granny Singing in the Kitchen
The way my grandpa always smelled faintly of regular gasoline, Aqua Velva, and Vitalis
My Mom's smile.
Walking through the freshly plowed fields
Easter Dresses and Black Patent Leather Shoes
Taking the Row Boat out in the pond
Playing in the rain
Shelling peas under the Chinaberry Tree
Family Reunions
Beach Vacations
Picking wild blackberries
Wearing cut off shorts
Playing "Kick the Can"

Adventures of an Insomniac....

...I know I have spoken on this topic before...a LOT...but it is a BIG part of my life and has been for years. Actually, it has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. Not sleeping is a pretty miserable thing. I mean, how many re-runs of "The Golden Girls" can one watch without going into Sarcasm Overload? I find myself walking and talking like Bea Arthur and longing to wear really long sweaters and big chunky jewelry, and it just doesn't work for a number of reasons. LOL, #1. I am about 2 feet shorter than Bea Arthur. #2. I look HORRIBLE in Cable Knit, and #3. I just CANNOT work that puffy grey hair! Anyhoo, as you may have seen from my previous postings, at the urging of my medical doctor, who apparently fears for my sanity (HAHA, which unbeknownst to him has been LONG GONE) urged me to see a psychiatrist for my insomnia AND my depression. Depression you may ask? YESSSSSSS. I have been on nearly EVERY mood stabilizer known to man and have never seen a psychiatrist. LOL, my family MD had always just written them for me, and when I felt better, or didn't feel any different, or for no particular reason quit taking them....they wrote for a new one....so, off to the psychiatrist I go. I know, I know...big GULP moment and NOT in the 7-11 kind of way, but I was at the point of doing whatever will keep me out of the nut house...well, the KIND of nut house that I don't pay a mortgage on. OK, so, the first visit with her went pretty well. She put me on Ambien to help me sleep and Topamax which started out as a seizure medication, but has a multitude of other uses, "Mood Stabilizer" being one of them, and I did great for about 3 weeks. Then the insomnia started back....I think it is just a part of me....I don't think there is a cure....BUT after many nights of NOT sleeping I got about 6 hours last night, and I am so thankful for it! I'm going to go for 2 nights in a row! Wish me luck!!!

To Dream the Impossible Dream...

....or in my case, to dream the ridiculously long dream that feels like a continuum from the day before like I haven't even slept the 3.5 hours that I did manage to sleep so I "wake up" just as tired as I did the day before. The last 4 nights have been just this. I'm ready for my icepick lobotomy please. I will perform it myself. I know how. I dreamed about that too. AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Hi Ho, Hi Ho....

back to work I go...LOL, I've been off for about 12 days now, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. The kids went back to school today after being off for Spring Break. We didn't go anywhere special, but we got a lot done. My 39th birthday was Wednesday, so we went to Red Lobster. We wanted seafood, and other than Captain D's, that is the closest we can get around here. LOL It was actually pretty good. Kendra ordered pasta and pulled a ginormous piece of plastic out of her mouth. LOL, looked like a piece of plastic off of one of their straw covers. Anyhoo, they brought her another meal(no more pasta though) and didn't charge us for either one. LOL, so, we got a break on the bill. Yay for bill breaks. I should have realized that we may be in trouble when our server said as soon as we were seated, "Are y'all in a hurry or do you have to be anywhere at a certain time?" LMAO, I thought that was weird, but we got our food, and it was decent other than the inedible plastic. LOL

I took the kids shopping and got the Spring and Summer clothing taken care of. Yay! Zac has grown so much since last year! I only need to get Zac a pair of swimming trunks, so we can take advantage of the community pool. We are trying to bank as much money as we possibly can, and with my husband being gone so much it looks like summer vacation is out of the question. So, community pool it is!!! Zac will be fine with that. He has the neighborhood boys, plenty of dirt, and loads of woods to play in. Sounds like paradise to me!

So, I head back to work tomorrow, and I am looking forward to it. My mind starts to wander when it is idle for too long, and that makes me dangerous. LMAO

Just passing me by...

I thought I would make this post the day BEFORE my birthday. Birthday posts are SO predictable. You know, "Another year has come and gone and I'm another year older..." *insert more pissing and moaning here* So, as I contemplate from my favorite spot on the sofa I have several thoughts to share as I hear an ominous CRACK come from Zac's bedroom. First of all, Just what in the hell was that noise (I will be sure to ask in a few minutes), secondly, just WHEN did I get where I am today? I dig through the mountain of prescription bottles and wonder if I will begin to get "Thank You" cards from Walgreens or maybe they will come out with a line of "Sorry you will be dead soon" cards. LOL I am thankful to live in the age that I do, so that I have access to the treatment that I need, and I am also thankful that I have the money to be able to AFFORD the treatment that I need. Anyhoo, I am thankful to have people around me that make me laugh, tolerate it when I cry, and understand my bizarre sense of humor or as some see it lack there of. I use the term "around me" loosely because it encompasses all of my online friends as well who I have come to cherish more that I would have ever thought in a million years. My online buds have gotten me through many rough spots and for that I am thankful. I can only hope that I have done the same for some of them as well. I met my BFF online, and her Birthday is tomorrow as well. She will be leaving the hospital today, so I hope her birthday tomorrow is EXTRA special. I only wish I could be there to celebrate it with her! Damn the 3000 miles! Happy Birthday Tams! I love you!

The Vacation Planner...

I plan them down to the letter. Buy clothes. Pick hotels. Plan outings. Never go. End of story. Curiously enough, the planning part makes me happy and hopeful. Maybe one day I will actually go...