Yesterday....

I've been trying to get my strength back which isn't working so well. My speech has improved which I am truly thankful for. Anyone that knows me KNOWS that I am a talker, and that I love to come back with a quick quip. With that being said, it is better, but not 100%. At this point, every step is a GIANT step for me.

I haven't been leaving the confines of my home and yard except to go to MD appointments. My stuttering speech,imbalance, and dizziness has made it very difficult for me to do so. After my MRI on Wednesday my sister Kelly took me to Ross to pick out something to wear to Kendra's Graduation, and that nearly wore me out. At least I found an outfit that I was happy with.

Yesterday, my husband wanted to go to Lowes to pick up a faucet for the new vanity in the master bath, because he couldn't remember which one I wanted. So, we went and did that with no problem. Then he wanted to go pick out new fish for the big tank. We went to Petsmart and looked at all of the fish and picked out a few new ones for the tank and a few ones for the pond. On the way home we passed a HUGE multi-family yard sale so we stopped, and we picked up a few things. I promptly came home and listed them on ebay. Needless to say. I was wiped out! I don't know when I will ever "get right," but I'm gonna keep on keeping on....

It Drives Me Crazy....

OK, so I go to college online, and let me tell ya, there are quite a few idiots on there. What I wouldn't GIVE to see their grades. I work hard on the assignments and put a lot of thought into them. I have straight "A's" which is nice, but I tell you some of those people in there drive me crazy. In my last two classes, there have been at least 2 people who had a racial chip on their shoulder. "Travon this and Travon that" I'm sick of hearing about it! None of them are even educated about the current events! They just go by what their "friends" say, and they end up sounding like idiots. So, I've had enough, and I had to call them out and give them the proper information. Hopefully, they will appreciate it. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Whoa, I've Been a Slacker...

What else is new right? Ha, Actually, this week has been pretty busy for me. I have started another class in school, and due to my constant "brain fog" I have to think a little harder about things, but I have managed to get all of my work for the week done except for my responses to other student's postings. Which, by the way, there are none as of yet, and they are due tomorrow. I guess my "brain fog" isn't too much of a handicap, although it feels like a HUGE handicap to me.

I spent all day yesterday battling a horrendous headache. At one point I just went through my medicine cabinet and took out stuff that I had not tried yet. Finally, after a combination of Ultram, Zofran, and cough syrup with codeine and a nap it was gone....but not for long. I was up at 1am with my new friend headache knocking around in my head like a penny in a coffee can, and once again it brought it's 2 best friends Nausea and Vomiting. The rest of my night was spent with horrible nightmares, at least I THINK they were nightmares. The one that stands out the most was of me in the bed just like I was and a little blonde boy with a cowlick in the front shaking my arm until I woke up. When I looked at him, he looked at me and told me that he couldn't breathe. Even though I knew it wasn't Zac I called out to Zac with no answer, and when I looked back the little boy was gone. I asked Zac when he woke this morning if he had to wake me up during the night, and he said no he didn't wake me up, and my husband verified it. It was really freaky, because the child looked so real.

I got up with Zac and saw him on the bus and finished my school work for this week. Then I got ready and went and had my MRI. I guess I will get the results when I go to my next MD visit on May 2nd. I'm ready for some answers, and I'm ready to feel my normally abnormal self!!

Life's Little Lessons

I'm sitting here on Saturday night watching TV by myself. No one else is up, and I hear it begin to rain. I had a discussion with myself earlier about whether or not it was going to rain. I felt like it was going to as I was watering my tomato plants. LOL I was under the ever so watchful eye of my husband while he was cutting the grass, and we had a short discussion about giving the garden a bit of water since it had not rained in a couple of days, and we had not watered since it had rained. All of my instincts told me that it was going to rain, yet I dragged that hose out anyway. Plus I rationalized it by telling myself that if I didn't do it that he would do it anyway, which he would have. I've been feeling pretty useless around the house as far as the outside work. My balance is off, so I have to be very careful not to fall, so I felt good about watering.....

Until I heard the rain.....I should have listened to my little voice and just sat outside and enjoyed being outside. I should have fed the fish (which I did anyway after I watered the garden) and watched them roll the water. I should have just enjoyed BEING, and I should understand that I don't have to be DOING to be useful. I still have my original thoughts and feelings. I can still love, laugh, smell, taste, and enjoy the simple things.....I also realized that when I have discussions with myself I don't stutter. LOL

Prom

Tonight is Kendra's Senior Prom. It is actually Junior/Senior Prom, but she didn't go last year, because she wanted it to be special. I thought that was a good idea, because it just wouldn't be as special for her. She isn't going with a boyfriend or someone she has been dating. She is going with a good friend, and that is perfectly fine with me. I don't think it will be any less special. She says she will be able to have more fun that way, and be able to "be herself." The theme of the Prom is "An Evening in Paris," so we looked for the perfect dress and found it a few months ago.

Due to my current medical problems I am unable to be there. When we moved we made the decision to allow her to finish the last few months at the high school she had been going to for her entire high school career so to speak, so she is nearly 2 hours away. I am unable to drive, and my husband has Military Drill all weekend. So, here I sit missing my daughter's one and only Prom. She has been calling me and texting me pictures of her hair, the beautiful pins she is putting in her hair, and silly pics of her and her bestie just getting ready. Her bestie Kaitlyn's mom can't be there either, because her father passed away, so they are both motherless this weekend.

Kendra has assured me that they have a strict schedule, and her date's mother has arranged for professional pictures which makes me VERY happy!! The girls are having a ball doing each other's hair. They went yesterday and had manicures, pedicures, and their eyebrows waxed. So, they are having a good time. Pictures at 4pm, Dinner at 5:30pm, and so on...I hope MY Princess has the night of a princess!! I love you more than life Kendra! Have a Ball at the BALL!!!

I Just Realized...

I have the ugliest multi-colored pastel castle in my fish tank. It does not have an opening for the fish to swim through. It just sits there and looks ugly. It doesn't match a damn thing in the aquarium or in the room for that matter. It came with the tank, so I left it in there, but I think I'm going to take it out tomorrow. The fish even shun it, and I don't blame them a bit. Something to do tomorrow. Hmmm. Productivity....LOL

Sometimes...

I feel as if the world would be better off if I HAD died on that roadside. I don't want to be a physical or financial burden to anyone. I'm doing the best I can. This is not fun for me. I can't drive. I can't leave the house without a babysitter, because I may fall. I talk like fucking Daffy Duck. Yeah, I'm having a fucking BLAST, and I'm going to actively recruit people to the retard side! It's fun being talked down to and treated like an idiot. I'm beginning to like it. Maybe I'll actually BECOME one. Then I WON'T FUCKING CARE.....

OK God, I'm Humbled!! You Can Fix Me Now!!

So, after three weeks of stuttering I'm ready to stop. I just called the rheumatologist to make an appointment and once again was treated like a retard. The receptionist cut me off, and basically treated me like an idiot not giving me any time to explain my situation. It is so frustrating. I get it. I understand. I needed a big fat serving of humble pie, and I have eaten it. It tastes really bad too. I have an appointment. I'm tired of doctors, appointments, medications that are not working, and weird ass tests that are inconclusive at best. I haven't been able to drive, work, or even walk out in my yard without anyone being home since the "Complex Migraine." I am a prisoner in my own home. I GET IT!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO TAKE???

The Little Things Make Me Happy.

After all that has gone on over the past few weeks I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I could not have asked for better support from my family. They have tried to include me in everything. My husband even went and bought a chair for me that we can throw into the back of the vehicles if I want to go somewhere that I may be subjected to standing for too long. I am trying to do more, but my balance is CRAZY! I still feel a bit dizzy, and my legs feel like they are not mine, so sometimes I have to concentrate on walking. Everyday my husband walks out to check on the garden. It isn't as if it is out in the back forty or anything. We live on 1.2 acres, so it is basically in our backyard, but it is a little ways from the house. Anyway, last night, he asked if I wanted to go look at the garden, and of course I did. I love the fact that we are growing food to feed our family. If it was up to me we would have a farm with cows, chickens, etc... and be totally self sufficient.

So, my sweet husband makes sure I have on the proper shoes, LOL, meaning NO FLIP-FLOPS. These days that particular style of footwear on uneven ground seams to be a "hey she has on flip-flops lets make her fall" card. It never fails me + flip-flops + uneven ground + gravity = Geri's ass on the ground. One time I ended up IN the fish pond. Anyhoo, with my little sneakers on, and hand and hand with my hubby for extra stability we walk out to the garden.

My tomato plants are growing like nobody's business! I was looking at them closely and low and behold I have little tomatoes on all of the plants! Looking at the squash I have tiny little squash. The same with the peppers. Our collard greens are beautiful. Watermelons and Cantaloupes are thriving, and I am so excited!! Even our cucumbers that were looking a little rough, and we thought they were not going to survive have blooms on them. We still want to get some more cucumbers in the ground, and I want some sweet banana peppers too. I know we have to hurry though. I want to make sweet pickles like my granny used to make, and I want to make pickled peppers. I love them on sandwiches and salads.

It is amazing to me what mother earth brings forth, and you don't have to have a lot of space to grow your own fresh veggies and fruits. (I forgot to mention the strawberries and fig trees that are thriving like crazy) When you grow your own YOU control what you put on them, not some super farm that puts genetically altered fertilizer and pesticides that can be harmful. The birds take care of our pests. I see them out there everyday eating the bugs, and they are getting fat from them. It is the cycle of life. Of course, the birds will take an occasional minnow from my fish pond as well, but I don't begrudge them that at all. Quid Pro Quo so to speak.

When I get better, I want to get a couple of hens to provide us with eggs. No, you don't need a rooster to have eggs, you just have to have a rooster to provide you with fertile eggs. I'm ready to get better, because I want my hens, so I can be a chicken momma!

Go Fresh or Go Home! LOL

Just as an aside...

Last night I was sitting here bored and feeling sorry for myself. Since causing myself major bodily harm is out of the question for many reasons: 1)I have children that I love than I love my life. 2) I love my husband. 3) I love myself too much. 4) I am the biggest chicken shit in the world, I had an epiphany. I have really missed having my nose pierced. When I moved here and started having interviews, I took it out.I was constantly taking it in and out in and out, and eventually, I just left it out. I thought it would stay open, because it had been pierced for so long... HOW WRONG I WAS!! The damned thing grew up. I was so fond of it.

SO, as I was saying, I was bored, and started digging through drawers, and I found a large sterile needle. I cleaned my nose really good inside and out, sterilized one of my old nose studs, and stabbed another hole in my nose. So, I have my nose stud back. It didn't hurt too much. Well, it only hurt for a little while, and now I have my nose stud back. All is well, and my boredom was assuaged for a few minutes....

Back from the Neurologist...

...again. I had a Nerve Conduction Study and some damn study involving sticking really long needles into my muscles and checking their response. The doctor asked me a couple of times, "Did you feel that?" and I  said, "Did I feel what?" Apparently, he had jabbed a needle in that I didn't feel. I dunno. He said I didn't fail the test, which is good. He went over the lab I had drawn on Thursday. Well, at least what was back. I tested positive for Sjogren's syndrome A but not B, but then again, I have pretty much been a straight A student. LOL

Sjogren's syndrome is an autoimmune disorder that kind of explains a lot, if I truly have it. I need to follow up with a rheumatologist. I will call them tomorrow. I'm tired today, and the more tired I get, the more I seem to stutter which I do not like at all. It makes me want to stab myself in the neck and is very unsexy. "Hhhhhey, IIIII nnneeeed ttttttttooooo sssseeee ththththththe dddddddoctor buhbuhbuhbuhbecause....you see how it goes....."

I am slowly selling off my most prized possessions. Not working is taking a toll financially, but I am not complaining. I still have food on the table, my garden is growing, and my family loves me and has been wonderful. SOOO, I still feel blessed, because I AM BLESSED..

So, if you don't mind, could you exercise your praying knees and whisper a little prayer for me, because I have no idea what is going on.......and my inner control freak is FREAKING OUT!

I find it funny...

I went to the neurologist right. He is concerned. I can see it in his face, and it it genuine. I cannot walk without holding on to someone or something. I feel like someone out of one of those dumb ass Zombie movies (Sorry Marina), and he checks me for balance and every time he does one of his tests I lean to the right. He catches me twice at least, then he finally just give up. I am once again reduced to tears, I love my new job, my co-workers  are awesome, and my family situation has never been better. My sister and I have mended fences, and without her I would have not gotten to appointments or have kept my sanity.

So, they see that I have been treated for depression in the past. I have made no secret of that, nor have I tried to keep it from them. I have taken a list of medications with me where ever I have gone. They keep going back to this psychiatry thing. Well, I finally broke down and made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. He cannot see me until April 24th. I so want him to say, "She is fine, and y'all need to get on the ball and find out what the fuck is wrong with her." I am not depressed, because I have nothing to be depressed about. My daughter will be home in a month. He college is closer than she is living now. I am back in school, and I am making straight A's. I am living in a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood, growing our own food, and FINALLY, anyone that knows me knows that being close to family is very important to me, and I finally have that. I do know that I NEED to go back to work. No work for Geri equals no money for Geri which is no bueno.

So, they need to quit blaming everything on my Psyche and finding out what the real problem is. Yes, I do become emotional when they mention that, because I think they are not seeing what is right in front of their faces. Thank goodness this last doctor bothered to listen to me and ordered more definitive tests. I also listened to him and made my appointment with the head shrinker. Quid pro quo Clarice...quid pro quo...

Back from the Neurologist

He was very nice and thorough, but I have no answers as of yet. He ordered a ton of lab work and a nerve conduction study for Monday. Hopefully we will know more after that. So another dose of wait and see...

In Case You Have Wondered...

Where I have been here is the deal. Not this past Friday, but the Friday before, I was driving to work. I had had a headache the day before, but I had not thought much of it. I took some Tylenol at work, and after work I just came home, took a shower, and went to bed. When I woke up, the headache was still there, and it had brought a friend named nausea. Still I didn't think much about it, because I had been treated for a bad sinus infection just a week and a half before and was actually still on antibiotics. So, on my way to work, my right foot felt tired. I thought that was weird, but I set my cruise control and continued to work. Within 5 minutes the right side of my face began to become numb and droop, and I lost complete control of my right arm. It dropped dead off of the steering wheel. Fortunately, I was at a service station, so I pulled over. I thought I was having a stroke, and I felt like I was dying. I had to reach over with my left arm to put my Jeep in park and grab my cell phone.

My mind was becoming fuzzy, I was terrified, I called my husband in essence to tell him that I loved him and goodbye. I was in and out of consciousness and becoming more confused. While I was on the phone with him, I began to lose my ability to speak, so I told him goodbye, and I called 911. After that, I basically lost consciousness. I remember the fire trucks. I don't remember my husband showing up, before the ambulance leaving the site. My memory is sketchy at best. I remember pain in my head so severe it felt as if a knife that had been heated almost to the point of melting had been stabbed there.

I had a CT scan which was negative. I had an MRI and an MRA which was also negative. I was admitted to the hospital, because I had lingering neurological symptoms such as my speech. Later that night they did an EEG which was also unremarkable. At this point, I still have stuttering speech and expressive aphasia which means that I cannot think of the simplest words to express my thoughts. The neurologist diagnoses me with Complex Migraines. I have never even heard of these before. She says they are very rare, and they will often mimic strokes. Kendra was there when she came in, and immediately put her "Smart Phone" to work.

Here is what we found out.
Complex Migraines are very rare and are hereditary. Symptoms can last from a few days to weeks and can be lingering. Symptoms can often be confused with a CVA. Headache, profound weakness, dysphagia, slurred speech, weakness, and visual disturbances to name a few.

So, I am fighting the headache cycle, and trying to get in to see a neurologist. After not having any type of headache in over 2 years this is a huge learning curve for me. My speech is still really screwed up. I have a pronounced stutter, and I am having difficulty coming up with even the simplest words. (dysphagia) I have called the neurologist I saw in the hospital only to find out they do not take my insurance. So, I went to my private MD who referred me to another neurologist. He was full until May 1, which is just unacceptable, and it was to my MD as well whom I saw again yesterday. She called him, and they are squeezing me in with another physician in their group on Thursday morning at 0845.

So, there you have it. I have been reduced to a stuttering idiot for the time being. (I hope) It has got to let up soon as well as the headaches. They are coming and going. Unfortunately, coming more than going. So that is why I have been scarce for all of you that have noticed or that care.